7.19.16

Time is a really interesting thing. We all have a finite amount of it. We all have 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in a minute. That adds up to a lot of seconds.

However, I don’t think I have ever met someone who didn’t complain about not having enough of it– to study and do homework while making time for a job or a social life, to do extra projects outside of school/work just for fun, to learn new hobbies, to read more, etc.

I know I have complained about not having enough time a lot. Heck, the time I complain about not having is being used right now as I write this post instead of studying for my Biology exam. Oops.

And see, that’s the catch.

There really is enough time to do what you want– just not necessarily everything. You gotta prioritize. And hey, maybe you can do everything you want, but it won’t all happen in the span of one day, or one week. You need to give it, well, time.

I have been struggling these past few months with how I want to prioritize my time.

The first month or so of summer, all I was doing was working. I hadn’t started summer classes yet. And, I was only working 3-4 days a week. So I had a lot of free time. In the free time, I mostly played Sims, browsed the internet and social media, did some cleaning here and there, and other miscellaneous activities.

I hardly devoted myself to working on blogging more than a handful of times.

Which was disappointing to say the least, considering how much free time I had.

But I guess that spark of desire faded a bit, for whatever reason. My mind and interests wandered somewhere else– mostly Sims 4. On one hand, I loved playing that darn game– it really is a creative outlet for me, and brings me some zen. On the other hand, it is also somewhat mindless in a way, and easily will get me swept up playing for hours, which isn’t good. A day would go by and all I would find myself answering the question “what did you do today?” with just simply “play sims”, which probably isn’t healthy. Everything in moderation, yeah?

I truly do believe in the sentiment that you will find time for the things you truly want to do and are motivated to make happen. But I guess that is where my issue lies- the motivation factor. My inspiration flew out the window, without even leaving a note. My creative juices are all but dried up. It’s like my brain just wants to take the easy way out by playing Sims, and just imagining life stories instead of truly living them.

And in a way, it is almost becoming an identity crisis. I have all these ideas for myself, and for the person I wish to be one day, but then in practice on the daily basis, I don’t find myself doing those things. Like, I say I want to read and write more, but in my free time instead of doing those things, I waste time on social media. It makes me question, are those the things I truly want? But then I also think– I determine my own wants, so if I want myself to want those things, then they are wants. Right?? See, I am practically losing my mind over this.

I have to want more out of life than just sims, right? Right??

At the beginning of summer I started reading (and have not yet finished) Big Magic. And yknow, the concepts I read about in the book make me wonder if this stagnation is all due to that all encompassing fear of failure we all seem to struggle with?

I just feel this pent up desire to do something more and yet no intrinsic motivation to see it through. I guess I am in a rut. A pretty deep one. And I need to start clawing myself out. I just feel like no matter what I do, there is always more to be done.

I pick up and start reading one book on my shelf of unread books. Well there’s still about 10 others I need to read, too.

I start a new, diligent skin care routine. Well, the makeup you’re wearing is still bad quality and bad for your skin.

I start religiously flossing my teeth. Well, you still have that ugly chip that will be expensive to fix.

I start trying to eat healthier. Well, you still work at a burger restaurant, and eat crap food there.

I get an idea for a story setting. Well, you have no plot, and you haven’t written in months, and it’ll probably suck and end up going nowhere.

And on and on and on it goes.

I guess I’m just too critical of myself. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I need to be okay with baby steps.


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