Fear

Sometimes I feel like fear is running my life.

I’m scared to try new things.

I’m scared to befriend new people.

I’m scared to talk to men, for fear they will hit on me.

I’m scared to go out sometimes, for fear of what might happen.

It’s not always outright fear, either. But just a meandering anxiety in the back of my head.

Not panic inducing, debilitating anxiety.

But the kind of anxiety that keeps your from doing something you want to do, because it’s easier to just do nothing.

I’m scared to speak up in class.

I’m scared to travel alone.

Sometimes I’m even scared to go to the bank.

I get scared of going to work at 10pm, because what if I can’t find a parking spot close enough, and have to walk in the dark alone?

I’m scared to be alone– not in a relationship sense, but in a physical sense. I don’t like going places alone. I don’t like walking alone.

I get scared when I hear a knock on the door, or a strange number calls my phone.

Lately, I have felt so fragile. So breakable, so bendable. So dependent.

I’m scared to spark up conversation with people, because what if I don’t know what to say, or I’m awkward?

It’s so much easier to stay inside and not talk to people I don’t know.

Except, that’s not how I want to live my life.

It’s not how I want to live my life.

I want to be independent. I don’t want fear and anxiety controlling every action (or inaction) in my life.

But how do I even begin to reclaim my strength?


8 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I really relate to a lot of this. A knock on the door or the ring of the doorbell…instant anxiety. In fact I was just watching a movie where the doorbell rung. I felt a little jolt of anxiety just hearing it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It really is silly. I get anxious even when a friends texts when they’ve arrived at my apartment because I’m left for a couple horrible mins anticipating the doorbell.
        I’m a little less embarrassed now I know I’m not alone!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Girl, I feel like I missed something. I know I have been out of touch for awhile, but I’m worried about you. Did something happen?
    This post was so real and I don’t know the feeling of all of those things, but I relate to some of them. I don’t really know how to help you, but just stay as positive as you can and take small steps! I love ya girl and I hope everything starts looking up! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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