Diary Posts: Jaded & Confused

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I am sitting in bed, listening to the rain pattering outside and the accompanying rolling thunder. All I can think about is how overwhelming this year has been so far. There has been so much change going on in my life, and for whatever reason, it has been really hard to keep my head above the water. I just wish it could be the New Year already, so I could make a list of my New Year’s Resolutions, and have a fresh start, and fix all these little inadequacies in 2016.

It’s pretty ironic that that is what I want- last year, I remember getting so frustrated that so many people see New Years as the only available time for change. Change and improvement should be ongoing and ever shaping who you are as a person.

This year, though, I’ve just felt so disillusioned.

Disillusioned with myself, my goals, my school, where my life is right now. I need something to snap me out of this. I’m working on it, slowly but surely, taking things one day at a time. For whatever reason, I just can’t figure out what I really want right now. Am I that out of touch with myself? I can’t be, right? The girl who prides herself on being so self aware, and so quick to notice the toxic elements in her life, and so quick to be willing to fix and change those things- she can’t be so unsure, can she?

Last year, probably around this time, I can remember brimming with excitement over all the opportunities my future held. I loved my major, there were so many classes I was excited to take, I was contemplating multiple job possibilities, and the sky seemed to be the limit. Now, I dread going to class, I question if my major is right for me, and when people ask me what I want to do when I graduate, I have no answer. I’m probably just being dramatic, and I am currently running off of 2 hours of sleep (thanks, thunderstorm and 10,000 tornado warning alerts, ugh). I can’t really think of anything I’d rather do besides something in the communications field. Maybe interior design. I wish I had more creative talents, though. I would love to learn graphic design, and web design. I’d love to be a published author, of some sort. I also like analyzing people, and how they work. So what kind of career encompasses all of that? I have no idea.

“I have no idea” basically sums up how I feel about most everything in my life right now.

The only thing I am truly excited about right now is the birth of my niece in a few short days (hopefully!!) and being able to move out into an apartment with my boyfriend hopefully this summer. Everything else, I’m just kinda wading through, just wanting to get it over with.

In the past, instead of becoming jaded by my career options, I would have become excited. I would have been motivated to learn all these skills, and form some kind of new career that included all of the things I wanted to do, and I would have been impatient to graduate and get started! Now, I just feel overwhelmed with too many options, and not enough motivation to improve my skill sets.

I also have this crazy urge to just get rid of everything I own. Not everything, but like, do a huge purge of my closet, and all my random possessions I have acquired over the years. Having a cluttered life saps away my headspace, it seems like. I just want to have a fresh start to everything. A fresh start to my classes, a fresh start to my wardrobe, a fresh start to my bedroom decor. I almost feel… strangled, or trapped, like I can’t really be who I want to be right now. I don’t know why. Maybe moving back home did this to me? Going from independence, a whole state away, to feeling like I’m in high school again in my old bedroom…. yeah, I could see how that would do it. It’s like there’s a new version of myself trapped inside my head, just screaming to be let out, but I don’t know how to make that happen.

I just feel stuck.

Any advice?


5 thoughts on “Diary Posts: Jaded & Confused

  1. To some, this may seem like an ordinary diary entry of a 20-21 year old just realizing they are no longer a teenager and an actual participant in the world, but I see more than that. I see more because I was (and pretty much still am) where you are right now. There are days where you just see the world go by, people around you doing so much whereas you can’t even figure out which shoe goes on which foot. But believe me, it’s not a big deal.

    I cannot give you life advice, nor can I give you career advice. All I can do is suggest, and I suggest you add one word to your day: Try!

    If you think web designing will be fun, before you jump into it with both feet, look at a couple of tutorials on Youtube and try your hand with some free software. If you think interior designing is your thing, look at exactly the skills you require because you’re either serious about it and can work on it, or forget the idea. As far as I know, you don’t need to be an extremely good artist to be a designer, you just need passable skills and an eye for cutting-edge stuff. If you like analyzing people, brush up on some Freud and Jung’s psychology and maybe you’ll fall in love with the subject or may be you won’t. At least you’ll know for sure.

    I’m also looking for a fresh start, and I get why you think that goes hand-in-hand with giving up your useless/extra possessions, but don’t give away anything yet. You may need something for when you have yourself figured out. Look at yourself and brush off all the cobwebs – you know you have them, just brush them off. You’re bored, you’re tired of where you are right now and that is why you think you need to make New Year’s Resolutions. What you need to know is that November is as good a month as January, and if it helps, tell yourself – your goal is to maintain your November resolutions till the end of the year (whether it’s career related or otherwise), and if you manage that, the 2016 will be better and easier than you can even imagine.

    The comment went on for longer than I had thought it would, but I was lecturing myself as well about the same issues as you, so rambled on.

    TL;DR: You are far too young to be confused and jaded. Go out and live a little. Let life figure you out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It’s always nice to get a fresh perspective and I feel like you understand exactly where I’m coming from. That’s definitely what im missing- just trying. I always manage to talk myself out of it, which just leaves me stagnant, and therefore unhappy. I think today im going to work on a list of November Resolutions, and treat it just like New Years. There’s no better time than the present, I guess. Might as well try. Thank you so much. Guess it’s about time I let life figure me out, huh? 🙂

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  2. Some friendly advice I have is similar to the one above. I completely understand wanting a fresh start. However, a fresh start doesn’t just have to be when you physically more or give away possessions – if you want a fresh start, make it happen! Start doing things differently, doing what you love, and trying!! My last post wasn’t exactly what you’re going through but similar feels – feeling a little overwhelmed and having so many opportunities you just don’t know what to do. I get it.
    It sounds like you have a lot of ambitions and such a bright spirit! I can’t wait to read about your adventures.
    I hope this brings some encouragement!
    Morgan

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, I hate admitting it, but I think y’all are both right…. I guess a fresh start is all just my perception of it. I think my main goal right now is to figure out a schedule/routine that works… and gets me out of my current one, because this one is obviously not working. I just read your post you mentioned, and I can totally relate! Life is just throwing so much at me all at once, and it’s getting difficult to keep up. One thing I have read about that is supposed to help that feeling is meditation and mindfulness and just being present in the moment instead of worrying about the future, or the past or things besides what is happening in that very moment. Check it out, if it sounds interesting to you! Your comment definitely did bring encouragement, thank you! 🙂 Good luck to you too, girl.

      Liked by 1 person

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