I am sitting in bed, listening to the rain pattering outside and the accompanying rolling thunder. All I can think about is how overwhelming this year has been so far. There has been so much change going on in my life, and for whatever reason, it has been really hard to keep my head above the water. I just wish it could be the New Year already, so I could make a list of my New Year’s Resolutions, and have a fresh start, and fix all these little inadequacies in 2016.
It’s pretty ironic that that is what I want- last year, I remember getting so frustrated that so many people see New Years as the only available time for change. Change and improvement should be ongoing and ever shaping who you are as a person.
This year, though, I’ve just felt so disillusioned.
Disillusioned with myself, my goals, my school, where my life is right now. I need something to snap me out of this. I’m working on it, slowly but surely, taking things one day at a time. For whatever reason, I just can’t figure out what I really want right now. Am I that out of touch with myself? I can’t be, right? The girl who prides herself on being so self aware, and so quick to notice the toxic elements in her life, and so quick to be willing to fix and change those things- she can’t be so unsure, can she?
Last year, probably around this time, I can remember brimming with excitement over all the opportunities my future held. I loved my major, there were so many classes I was excited to take, I was contemplating multiple job possibilities, and the sky seemed to be the limit. Now, I dread going to class, I question if my major is right for me, and when people ask me what I want to do when I graduate, I have no answer. I’m probably just being dramatic, and I am currently running off of 2 hours of sleep (thanks, thunderstorm and 10,000 tornado warning alerts, ugh). I can’t really think of anything I’d rather do besides something in the communications field. Maybe interior design. I wish I had more creative talents, though. I would love to learn graphic design, and web design. I’d love to be a published author, of some sort. I also like analyzing people, and how they work. So what kind of career encompasses all of that? I have no idea.
“I have no idea” basically sums up how I feel about most everything in my life right now.
The only thing I am truly excited about right now is the birth of my niece in a few short days (hopefully!!) and being able to move out into an apartment with my boyfriend hopefully this summer. Everything else, I’m just kinda wading through, just wanting to get it over with.
In the past, instead of becoming jaded by my career options, I would have become excited. I would have been motivated to learn all these skills, and form some kind of new career that included all of the things I wanted to do, and I would have been impatient to graduate and get started! Now, I just feel overwhelmed with too many options, and not enough motivation to improve my skill sets.
I also have this crazy urge to just get rid of everything I own. Not everything, but like, do a huge purge of my closet, and all my random possessions I have acquired over the years. Having a cluttered life saps away my headspace, it seems like. I just want to have a fresh start to everything. A fresh start to my classes, a fresh start to my wardrobe, a fresh start to my bedroom decor. I almost feel… strangled, or trapped, like I can’t really be who I want to be right now. I don’t know why. Maybe moving back home did this to me? Going from independence, a whole state away, to feeling like I’m in high school again in my old bedroom…. yeah, I could see how that would do it. It’s like there’s a new version of myself trapped inside my head, just screaming to be let out, but I don’t know how to make that happen.
I just feel stuck.