Not Onwards, Not Upwards.

From the start, I have had high hopes for this blog. I finally got around to starting one, after countless attempts to talk myself out of it since I wouldn’t be “good enough” at it, and I loved it and I loved the positive feedback I was receiving. All I ever wanted was a blog to share my life and share my goals and share my tips for self improvement and a medium for holding myself accountable, but I also was looking forward to having a nice little following. However, everything I’ve ever read about blogging says to get followers and receive consistent feedback, you need a consistent posting schedule.

This past Monday, I wrote in my planner to plan out a blog post for every day of the week. My blog post for tomorrow was supposed to be a celebratory full week of blogging post. Obviously, none of that happened. It’s hard not to be disappointed in myself. I know I’ve been busy though. I finally finished training at work, school has been busy, and in general, whenever I’m home on weekends or not busy, I have a tendency to waste my time watching Netflix or on my phone. It all goes back to my poor time management skills, I guess. I never would have thought working and going to school would take so much out of me.

I really need to work on my stress levels. Considering how much I have overcome- insecurity and confidence issues, self esteem issues, depression, anxiety- my tendency to get stressed out easily should be a piece of cake to deal with… but it hasn’t been. I just get overwhelmed easily and freaked out. And then I’ll just shut down. My face gets hot, my body gets stiff, and all of a sudden my mind goes blank and I can’t even think of what I need to do. Even worse, it seems like when one thing goes wrong, they all do. Everything needs to be done all at once and I just can’t seem to keep up with it or stay afloat. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this happens or how to stop it. No matter how diligently I write thing down in my planner, no matter how many lists I make or deep breaths I take, I still become a victim to this stress.

I just feel trapped, and stuck, and too busy trying to keep myself afloat to move forward. I can’t improve my blog because I’m too busy trying to even keep up with posting. I can’t get ahead on school work because I can barely keep up. I can’t focus on other goals, like healthy eating or improving my physical appearance because I barely have time to get enough hours of sleep in. It’s all wrong. I sit here, and I think about all the times I do absolutely nothing, and how I could be utilizing this time to do the things I want to be doing, but how I’m not. I have it somewhere inside of me that when I get stressed I just can’t do anything, which ultimately makes it worse. I put things off, I tell myself I can do it later, because I just can’t handle it right now, and I’d rather just relax. My room has been a wreck for a month, because anytime I have free time the idea of cleaning it just overwhelms me. This isn’t who I want to be.

I wish I could make this some inspirational post about all the things I plan to do to accomplish this. That’s what this blog was supposed to be. This blog was supposed to be me talking about how I’m overcoming all of these short comings and working on making myself a better person. But I guess that’s just not realistic… I guess sometimes the honest truth just has to come out. And right now, my honest truth is I am failing. And right now I’m not sure what I can do to fix that. Part of me wants to just go hop in the bath tub and soak, surrounded in bubbles and my own self pity for an hour. The other part of me wants to stay in bed all day watching Lost. And another part of me, which is struggling to keep up with the other two, wants to take a deep breath and do what I gotta do.

One step forward, two steps back. Right now, I’m not moving onwards, I’m not moving upwards. And sometimes, you just gotta vent. Here’s to hoping I find my groove again soon.

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